The Idea of You

I’m in love with the idea of you

but I’m not sure if I’m in love with you.

You never gave me the time of day

But you made sure the nights were reserved for me

And you only touched me in the dark,

I don’t know if I’m in love with the idea of what could be

or if I truly feel something for you.

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Fat

You shame me
for the weight, I carry around my waist

But did you ever wonder
what it feels like when you
give me disapproving looks
and when you make fatphobic comments?

Did you ever wonder how I got like this?
Did you ever bother to ask me why I eat my feelings away?

My life is in shambles and I cannot fill this
void I carry deep inside me
and sometimes food is the only thing that fills me
for a few hours.

Did you ever ask me about the medications I take,
and how it helps me fight my depression every day?
Did you ever stop to think that I rather be fat
than miserable, anxious and depressed?

Did you ask me how I weighed my options
and that I chose to take care of myself?
so even though the three little pills I take
make me gain weight
I still choose them everyday

Did you ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe,
you’re the problem?

Names

What’s in a name besides identification?
Thousand-year-old histories
passed down from
generation to generation

Maybe your mother held you in her arms
and simply knew
this name would fit you

Maybe your father wanted to keep his legacy going
so he named you after him
And now, to not get confused
they call you Junior

What’s in a name
besides identification?
Do you carry your name with pride?

Conchas

Te compre una concha de chocolate, como se que te gustan.

Pero a mi no me gustan las conchas, mami
No se cuando empezó a pensar que me gustaban
pero ella siempre me compra una concha de chocolate.

Cómetela ahorita que esta recién hecha

La saco de su bolsa
la concha esta caliente
la muerdo y se desmorona.
Porque no me compro
una empanada de piña?
esas si me gustan

Disfruta la concha, cuando vaya a la panadería, te compro otra

No tengo el corazón de decirle a mi mami
que no me gustan las conchas de chocolate
ni de vainilla
ni de fresa.

Pero cuando veo la ternura y el amor en sus ojos
al anunciar que me trajo otra concha,
se me parte el alma de pensar que la puedo lastimar
Asi que me como otra concha mas.

Gracias mami, siempre piensas en mi 

Learning

The words on my notebook
stick to the paper
but
not my brain.

It’s the third time I’ve tried to memorize
the difference between the two objects
but all that I see are letters and figures
that don’t quite make sense

When will I learn? When will it stick?

Am I learning something new?

Or am I memorizing just to pass?

 

I know this girl

I know this girl,
and she is beautiful.

I know this girl,
who doesn’t know she’s beautiful.

I know this girl,
she doesn’t seem to love herself.

I know this girl,
she hurts and cries
every night.

I know this girl,
but I can’t help this girl.
She is blinded by all the hurt.

I know this boy,
he says he loves her.

I know this boy,
he’s always a flirt
but gentle and loving toward
her.

I know this boy,
and he swears he loves her
for who she is.

I know these people
I just don’t know how to help.

You

I’ve been thinking about you lately
seems like I can’t get you out of my mind.

Everyday I find
my mind drifts to the time
we spent together

But now time has passed
and you’ve moved on.

I wonder if you even remember me

Apple Cider Vinegar

I’m sorry body for feeding you
Apple Cider Vinegar
when all you wanted was some real food.

I’m sorry body for giving you
papaya seeds every morning
because they are supposed to make you lose weight
but you really wanted a hearty oatmeal and a cup of coffee.

I’m sorry body for slathering on creams
that are supposed to make you burn fat from the outside
but they ended up burning your delicate skin.

I’m sorry body for making you drink
bitter Apple Cider Vinegar
for not loving you the way you are
and for trying to uphold you to today’s beauty standards.

I’m also sorry body for not taking care of you
for letting my feelings consume me
and consuming fast food
to fill a void that couldn’t be filled
with anything.

I’m sorry body
for allowing myself to be sedentary
when all you wanted was to feel the cool breeze against you

I’m so sorry for mistreating you
for hating you
for allowing you to feel worthless.

I’m sorry body,
for feeding you Apple Cider Vinegar
when all you wanted was to be loved

Phone Calls

It’s the third call she’s made this day
Each time I hear Marimba ringtone, 
I let out a sigh

I do not comprehend
it’s as if I have a sign
on my forehead that reads “free therapy
only a call away”

She tells me her problems, very similar to mine.
I wish I could help each time she tells me she’s drowning into an abyss

I wish she understood I am drowning myself
and that I could also have a friend who had a sign on her forehead that read:
“free therapy… only a phone call away”

Angles

I tend to stay behind the camera
I find it comforting to capture a moment
rather than create it.

I am a paradox

I find beauty in everything, in
everyone.
but when it comes to me,
I cannot see beauty.

I am a paradox

I like the click of the camera shutter
I like the sound of the timer, the rapid beeps it makes before it goes off.
I like the way the flash illuminates the darkness

But I do not like my pictures taken,
unless I am taking them
and the camera is positioned 45° above me.

So when you asked me for a picture
I panicked.

I immediately thought of my best angle.
Which one would make me look less fat?
Which one would hide my double-chin?

Which angle do I pose in?