The uncomfortable leather seat on this airplane makes me
of the space, I take up
My thighs spread out,
overflow to the next seat
and the passenger next to me
I press my legs together,
try to keep them together
but they refuse to comply
a mind of their own
they are rebellious and
spread out even more
I take up too much space
You shame me
for the weight, I carry around my waist
But did you ever wonder
what it feels like when you
give me disapproving looks
and when you make fatphobic comments?
Did you ever wonder how I got like this?
Did you ever bother to ask me why I eat my feelings away?
My life is in shambles and I cannot fill this
void I carry deep inside me
and sometimes food is the only thing that fills me
for a few hours.
Did you ever ask me about the medications I take,
and how it helps me fight my depression every day?
Did you ever stop to think that I rather be fat
than miserable, anxious and depressed?
Did you ask me how I weighed my options
and that I chose to take care of myself?
so even though the three little pills I take
make me gain weight
I still choose them everyday
Did you ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe,
you’re the problem?
I’m sorry body for feeding you
Apple Cider Vinegar
when all you wanted was some real food.
I’m sorry body for giving you
papaya seeds every morning
because they are supposed to make you lose weight
but you really wanted a hearty oatmeal and a cup of coffee.
I’m sorry body for slathering on creams
that are supposed to make you burn fat from the outside
but they ended up burning your delicate skin.
I’m sorry body for making you drink
bitter Apple Cider Vinegar
for not loving you the way you are
and for trying to uphold you to today’s beauty standards.
I’m also sorry body for not taking care of you
for letting my feelings consume me
and consuming fast food
to fill a void that couldn’t be filled
I’m sorry body
for allowing myself to be sedentary
when all you wanted was to feel the cool breeze against you
I’m so sorry for mistreating you
for hating you
for allowing you to feel worthless.
I’m sorry body,
for feeding you Apple Cider Vinegar
when all you wanted was to be loved
I tend to stay behind the camera
I find it comforting to capture a moment
rather than create it.
I am a paradox
I find beauty in everything, in
but when it comes to me,
I cannot see beauty.
I am a paradox
I like the click of the camera shutter
I like the sound of the timer, the rapid beeps it makes before it goes off.
I like the way the flash illuminates the darkness
But I do not like my pictures taken,
unless I am taking them
and the camera is positioned 45° above me.
So when you asked me for a picture
I immediately thought of my best angle.
Which one would make me look less fat?
Which one would hide my double-chin?
Which angle do I pose in?