Habits

My fingers type out your name without thinking twice.
It’s the third social media profile I’ve checked that’s yours.
It’s become a habit of mine
one I cannot seem to shake.
I try to get you out of my head
but my fingers type out the name
I’ve been typing out for months now.
I just wanna make sure you’re doing okay
I myself am not doing okay.
I’ve rejected every guy who has approached me,
I look for you in everyone I meet
but no one can compare to you.
I don’t allow them in
even if they can be the cure
to this deadly disease that’s eating me from the inside out.
I look for your crooked smile,
the dark, intense stare you would give me when you wanted me passionately.
But I can’t seem to find it.

It’s become a habit
to look at strangers coming my way
and hope they resemble the way you smirked
hoping they’ll walk like you, talk like you, act like you.
It’s an obsession I’d say,
but I loved you more than anyone else I’ve been with
it’s become a habit of mine,
to fill my thoughts with what ifs and maybe ifs.
It’s become a habit,
to go hurt myself by looking at your Instagram profile and seeing you with other women by your side.
You don’t seem to even remember the nights we spent together,
but I’ve made it a habit to keep them alive
I wish I could’ve kept the relationship alive,
now all I have are nasty habits to keep the memory of us
alive. 

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Dolor

Más caliente
Qué el agua queme mi piel
quiero sentir algo en este rostro
el cual se ha convertido en una casa sin ama.
Más caliente
qué el agua de mi ducha me haga sentir algo
aunque sea el ardor del agua, aunque mi piel se vuelva roja, sugiriendo ayuda.
Es mejor que no poder sentir nada
es mejor que este hueco en mi corazón

The Idea of You

I’m in love with the idea of you

but I’m not sure if I’m in love with you.

You never gave me the time of day

But you made sure the nights were reserved for me

And you only touched me in the dark,

I don’t know if I’m in love with the idea of what could be

or if I truly feel something for you.

Fat

You shame me
for the weight, I carry around my waist

But did you ever wonder
what it feels like when you
give me disapproving looks
and when you make fatphobic comments?

Did you ever wonder how I got like this?
Did you ever bother to ask me why I eat my feelings away?

My life is in shambles and I cannot fill this
void I carry deep inside me
and sometimes food is the only thing that fills me
for a few hours.

Did you ever ask me about the medications I take,
and how it helps me fight my depression every day?
Did you ever stop to think that I rather be fat
than miserable, anxious and depressed?

Did you ask me how I weighed my options
and that I chose to take care of myself?
so even though the three little pills I take
make me gain weight
I still choose them everyday

Did you ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe,
you’re the problem?

Names

What’s in a name besides identification?
Thousand-year-old histories
passed down from
generation to generation

Maybe your mother held you in her arms
and simply knew
this name would fit you

Maybe your father wanted to keep his legacy going
so he named you after him
And now, to not get confused
they call you Junior

What’s in a name
besides identification?
Do you carry your name with pride?

I know this girl

I know this girl,
and she is beautiful.

I know this girl,
who doesn’t know she’s beautiful.

I know this girl,
she doesn’t seem to love herself.

I know this girl,
she hurts and cries
every night.

I know this girl,
but I can’t help this girl.
She is blinded by all the hurt.

I know this boy,
he says he loves her.

I know this boy,
he’s always a flirt
but gentle and loving toward
her.

I know this boy,
and he swears he loves her
for who she is.

I know these people
I just don’t know how to help.

You

I’ve been thinking about you lately
seems like I can’t get you out of my mind.

Everyday I find
my mind drifts to the time
we spent together

But now time has passed
and you’ve moved on.

I wonder if you even remember me

Phone Calls

It’s the third call she’s made this day
Each time I hear Marimba ringtone, 
I let out a sigh

I do not comprehend
it’s as if I have a sign
on my forehead that reads “free therapy
only a call away”

She tells me her problems, very similar to mine.
I wish I could help each time she tells me she’s drowning into an abyss

I wish she understood I am drowning myself
and that I could also have a friend who had a sign on her forehead that read:
“free therapy… only a phone call away”

Lured

I lay defeated in bed all day

but it’s not because I worked too hard

or did something extreme.

I lay in bed because I’m

depressed and fatigued

and I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Sleep.

Sleep seems to be comforting.

It makes me forget that I am depressed and upset and sometimes lonely.

It lures me to bed, telling me that this is where I’m safe,

but I am not.

While I sleep, the world continues outside my window.

My friends go out without me, my job doesn’t get done.

I sleep and sleep and sleep, forgetting the world for hours, sometimes days

but the world doesn’t stop for me

 

Coffee Date

I like the way all the sounds of a coffee shop
mix into one.
I like the way everyone has something going on

I like the background noise, as I read my favorite book
and the way I feel less alone
even though
I’m surrounded by bunch of strangers

I love the way the scent of coffee
clings on to my clothes
even after leaving
I can still smell the sweet aroma
of that coffee shop

I love to drink my coffee nice and slow
allowing all the flavors to be appreciated

I love taking myself out
on coffee dates